The Truth of Cycle Breaking
There are some very necessary steps in the process of breaking a cycle.
Get clear on what the cycle is. You can’t break something if you don’t know what you’re breaking. You need to name it. Map it. See the pattern clearly before you can step out of it.
Understand your own impact on the cycle. What was your role? How did you respond? What were you thinking or feeling? This isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness. You can’t change a dynamic without seeing where you’ve participated in it.
Understand the other person’s involvement. What are they actually doing? Not why—they may not even know that themselves—but what. What do they say? What do they avoid? What do they control? Get clear on their part without collapsing into analysis or excuses.
Find the truth. This is the most important step. Move past the stories of blame and victimhood. The emotions are real—but emotional reactions don’t always tell the whole truth. The sweet spot is knowing what’s happening, why it’s happening, and what you're choosing to do in response.
There’s no truth in blame. There’s no power in victimhood. When you drop the emotional self-defence, what’s left is clarity. You’re not protecting yourself from anything anymore. You’re just standing—fully—in truth, in integrity, and in your own power.
When you stand here and watch what happens from this place, the emotional temper tantrums of others don’t look the same anymore. They aren’t yours to solve. You don’t have to protect yourself from them. You’re just a witness to what’s happening around you that has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t make it any less painful. It’s hard to watch. It takes an emotional toll. But this price is worth it because, in the long term, it protects your integrity, your value, your worth, and your truth.
Other people’s chaos is not yours to solve—but when it impacts you, it offers you a choice. You can participate or not. Not participating doesn’t always have to mean blocking the person and never talking to them again. Sometimes those relationships are still wanted. If you find the truth, integrity, and power within yourself, it will guide your response.
Self-defense is deeply ingrained in our society. The ego loves to defend itself. But it also creates its own painful cycles because it keeps you stuck in the same loops. Learning how to stop defending yourself long enough to see what’s really going on—without the story of blame and self-protection—is actually the key to breaking the cycle.
The story of blame perpetuates a cycle of self-defense. It doesn’t let you clearly see what’s truly happening around you. It focuses you in the wrong place. The truth doesn’t include a story of blame, because blame isn’t true. It’s a lie that humans tell. It helps them avoid taking responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.
The thing that happened may have triggered certain thoughts and feelings, but the effect those thoughts and feelings have on you is up to you. The cause was the external event. The effect is whatever you think or feel as a result. But those two things are independent of each other. They are separate processes. Your job is to take care of the thing you have control over—which is how you feel and think. You can do nothing about the other person, which is why the story of blame isn’t helpful. It focuses you on something you have no control over.
Insecurity made me engage in the story of blame all the time. It was somebody else’s fault that I couldn’t do or say what I wanted. It was somebody else’s fault that I couldn’t make my own choices and live my life the way I wanted to.
The result of that blame? I created a life I was stuck in. I created the life other people wanted me to have. I didn’t create my own truth because I thought I had to play by other people’s rules.
Then one day I woke up. I realized that what other people were telling me was a projection of their own fear and pain. It had nothing to do with me. Then I realized my decisions were mine. Even if I was making them based on other people’s feedback, they were still ultimately my choice.
Now, the truth comes in waves. I’ve begun to see what my insecure choices created. As I clean up the mess my insecure self created years ago, just know that it does get better. It gets simpler instead of easier. It gets clearer instead of foggier. It becomes more truth with fewer lies.
The truth will always win—but not in the way society likes to tell you it will. It wins because it heals, not because somebody else loses or stays in pain. It wins because it clears the fog, not because it leaves somebody else in it. It wins on its own terms, not by other people’s rules. The truth is powerful enough to break the cycles you’ve found in your own life. But it can only do that if you honour it, respect it, and use it the way it’s intended—not to hurt, but to heal yourself.
Love to all,
Della